


This Is The Way You Left Me

by LM84



Series: Fighting Life [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Neglected Castiel (Supernatural), Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 16:11:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19176814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LM84/pseuds/LM84
Summary: Castiel Novak lost everything the day his parents found out he was gay.From having everything he could ever want or need, to fighting for food every week Castiel has one reason left to live. His baby brother and sister who depend on him for everything.Alone in the world Castiel fights for a better life for his siblings and to hold onto his dreams in a world that seems determined to crush him.Bridging in the Fighting Life series between 'I Give Myself To You' and 'To Save an Angel.Can be read as a standalone





	This Is The Way You Left Me

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back to those who have read the first part of this series I give myself to you.  
> A reminder that this is just a little one shot to see where Cas and the twins are now, before we start part 3. To save an angel. (I promise it gets happier then... but not before more angst, because, well, thats how I roll.)  
> So go and read part 1 guys... I mean if you want to... well I'd love you to, pretty please? Be warned, if you do read I give myself to you, it is graphic.  
> Ok guys so here we go, three years on where is Cas now?
> 
> UPDATE: I felt brave after the little bit of support I received for this series of fics so I have now taken off the comment moderation. I think I can handle any nastiness that comes my way and I hope this will mean more people will comment as posting this series again, especially the first fic took a lot of courage. Even a line makes a writers day.

_This is the way you left me, I'm not pretending, No hope, no love, no glory, No happy ending_

_This is the way that we love, Like its forever, Then live the rest of our life, Both not together_

_This is the hardest story, That I have ever told, No hope, or love, or glory, Happy endings gone forever more..._

…..

“Castiel? Wake up.”

Cas grunted as the world came back into focus. It was mid-July and the heat was not helping him in the slightest. He was laying on something hard, his not-so-little-anymore brother was shaking him gently. Cas sighed as he realized this was the 8th time he’d had to see one of the twins worried faces as he shook away unconsciousness.

“Sorry Alfie. Did your sister get home yet?” Cas stood up slowly from the hard floor, closing his eyes momentarily against the dizziness. He looked down at his bloody elbow, rubbing at his bruised shoulder. Just another to add to the collection. He must have fallen hard today.

“No, she’s at her afterschool club, I think its drama today and it’s only 4:30. Did you pass out again?”

“Yes, I’m sorry Alfie I must have.”

“Are you ok?”

“Yes, I’m fine.” Cas smiled.

“Cassie, why won’t you go to the doctor if you’re sick?”

“Because I’m fine Alfie, it would be a waste of time. I'll get better by myself.”

“You said Anna had to go when she was sick.”

“That was different Alfie.”

“Why is it different? She was sick, you made her go, you are sicker than she was but you won’t go!” Alfie yelled.

“Hey!” Cas scolded, but Alfie just scowled at him. He pulled the 9-year old into a hug, he had grown so much. He came nearly half way up his chest now, Anna was a little smaller, but the pair of them were much less of a handful than they had been a few years ago. School was only round the corner at the moment, so they walked themselves there and back.

“Alfie, you and your sister are the most precious things in the world to me, I will do anything to make sure you are safe, which means going to the doctor when you’re sick, even if you think you’re fine.” Cas smiled, and Alfie looked at his feet unsatisfied. “You’ll understand when you are older.”

Cas’ words hadn’t seemed to lighten the mood of his little brother.

“I have some food in for dinner tonight. How does macaroni sound?”

Alfie’s face lit up. “Macaroni really?”

“Yes. I don’t joke about food.” In reality the macaroni was canned and three days out of date. He’d dug it out of the trash of a local store that morning and been very careful to check it was still sealed. He hoped it would be ok, but it would be the first meal outside of school the twins had, had in three days. Cas doubted he would eat any of it, though he knew he had to try at least... it had been 6 days since he’d eaten anything himself.

It had been nearly 3 years since they’d left Dad’s flat. 3 long years. It had started as a struggle and never got better. The twins were now 9 years old, Castiel would be 22 in a few months and he barely knew his little brother and sister anymore as he had back then. He had been working every spare second in any job he could find. Luck had never been on his side. Meg had closed the diner 2 years ago and moved to Australia. The gas and sip had been one of 100 in the chain nationwide to close. It was hard to find good paying jobs that didn't ask too many questions, though he'd quickly learned where to look.

They hadn’t been able to stay in the nice new apartment for long. The rent got too much very quickly and since then Slum landlords had become Cas’ best friends. They never asked questions, took details or cared if it was cash. He’d seen a missing poster with his own face on once, the photo was old, from when he was about 14, but he hadn’t seen one in a long time. They had also looked for the twins, but had no photos of them, not since they were babies. But the names meant they'd had to change schools and Cas had gone through so many alias' he was running out of names to use.

Then in their second winter things had taken a greater turn for the worse. Cas had been between jobs, money was tight which meant very little food for him as he saved it all for the twins. After 9 days of not eating Cas was feeling very weak and that meant he got sick. He got a job soon after, started eating again and at first the illness was just a cough at first, he felt a little tired of course, but despite getting back on their feet he’d never really recovered from it. The cough had been there since that day and over the last 9 months he’d been getting steadily worse. From being tired before he was now extremely fatigued, from a cough to utter breathlessness he knew it was something serious. Something that wasn't going to just go away by itself.

Then two months ago he’d started coughing up blood. That’s when he knew this was bad. Blood was always a sign of something serious, terminal even. He could barely afford to feed the twins, medical care for himself was not an option.

So, he’d struggled on. They’d made the rent nearly every month until the end of last year, but by April, he was coughing all the time and feeling very ill indeed. He kept his distance from the twins, adding antibacterial soap to his shopping and washing his hands at every opportunity. Thankfully the twins didn't seem to have caught it, maybe it wasn't contagious... and that was usually a bad sign.

Then finally, driven to the edge of his endurance, he'd collapsed at work. They’d told him not to come in until he was better. He’d had to quit again. Every other job he’d found had ended the same way. No one would hire a sick person... and now he was too ill to work anyway.

They had no income, he’d missed the rent three times since November. He’d got it in late of course, on way or another. He knew Lucifer would have been his go to in the past, but they'd not seen nor heard of him since Dean and that Nurse Jody had found him at their old house. He'd resorted to pickpocketing instead. He was quite good at it, though it made him feel terrible. He cut himself deeply every time to punish himself for it.

The landlord had been remarkably tolerant, but was getting impatient.

He’d been passing out regularly recently; he was tired all the time, running a constant fever and it was a battle to get out of bed, yet alone look after the twins and search for a job.

“Why don’t you do your homework, and when your sister gets home we will eat?” Cas smiled, and Alfie charged into his room and slammed the door. Cas chuckled, he’d never seen the boy so eager to do his homework.

Alone again, Cas collapsed on the sofa, breathing heavily. Every shift in height made him dizzy and the heat prickling at his skin was made even more unbearable by the summer heatwave.

His body was fighting this, he could tell, but it hadn’t the strength. He barely recognized himself when he looked in the mirror now. He was thinner than he ever thought possible and he knew that, it was this illness' fault. His appetite had melted away as had his figure over the last 6 months. He knew he stood a better chance if he ate. It always made him feel stronger, but it was just so hard when the thought of food made you nauseous.

He must have fallen asleep, because he suddenly found himself startled awake by a knock on the door. He glanced at the clock. 4:56pm… It was too early for Anna to be home, surely. Besides she had a key. They never got visitors unless it was the landlord harassing them for money, but that shouldn’t be until next week.

Cas hauled himself to his feet and checked the calendar groggily. Shit! It wasn’t next week, he was 2 weeks overdue already… how had he missed that?

There was a hammering on the door again.

“Sir, open this door I know you are in there.” Cas frowned, that wasn’t the landlord’s voice.

When he checked the spy hole he realized there were two people there and he didn’t recognize either of them.

“Relax, I’m coming!” He called back in feigned annoyance as his fingers curled around the baseball bat he kept hidden behind the door. He opened it a crack but kept the safety chain on.

“Yes?” He asked a little indignantly, concealing a cough. The two guys at the other side of the door were big and threatening, Cas didn’t like this.

“Sir are you the tenant of this property.”

“Yes, why?”

“I’m serving you with a notice to vacate. You have failed to present rent money for a period of more than 14 days which leaves you 14 days to leave the premises or you will be forcibly removed.”

Cas didn’t say anything, he felt numb all over. His shoulders dropped in despair as the gravity of this washed over him.

“Do you understand sir?” The man at the door said more softly, he almost looked sorry.

Cas opened the door fully, so he could take the letter from the man and the pair of them seemed to recoil a little in sympathy at his state. He sighed as he read the notice.

“Yes, I understand. Thank you.”

“People we hand these to don’t usually thank us son.” The man frowned.

“It’s my fault, not yours.” Cas shrugged. “You’re just doing your jobs.”

Cas closed the door behind him and sunk into the couch trembling. Cas knew it was only a miracle now that would keep them off the streets and when was he ever lucky enough to get one of those?

He couldn’t let that happen to the twins. He had been lying to himself for some time now. He hadn’t been able to look after the twins for a while, he was too sick, he couldn’t hold a job and he could barely feed them right now. It was time to face up to reality. It was over. He’d fought as hard as he could, but there was only one option left.

…………………….

“Alfie, come out, dinner’s ready!” Cas shouted as Anna walked through the door, looking excited at the prospect of food.

“Dinner? What are we having?”

Cas cringed at the surprise in Anna's voice. No child should be surprised that they were eating that night.

“Nothing too exciting I’m afraid, just mac and cheese.”

“That’s great!” She smiled enthusiastically.

“Foood!!!” Alfie shouted, thundering out of the twin’s room and skidding into his chair.

“How was your day Alfie?” Cas asked. “School ok?”

“Yeah, fine.”

Cas rolled his eyes, choking back a cough as he put the plates out for the twins. Alfie never elaborated, he was far too typical a child in that respect. Cas had given himself a spoonful or two of the meal and he was going to try his best to eat it. It worried the twins when he didn’t eat, and he wanted this to be a nice family meal. It was after all the last time they were going to eat together.

“Ok, how was your day Anna?” Cas tried instead.

“Really good actually.” She said with a mouthful of food. Cas didn’t scold her for it, not today. “Me and Michelle got top of the class for the volcanoes project and we’re getting ready for the school play now, dress rehearsals have started…”

Cas smiled broadly. His little sister was always happy to share her day and Cas loved to hear about it. It was the only part he had in their lives now. He happily listened to her as she recounted the events of the day and then watched in amusement as she and Alfie began arguing about whether or not their Math teacher was nice or not.

“She’s nice to you because you’re the smartest.” Alfie moaned.

“She’s nice to Tom too, and he’s not smart. She’s only not nice to you because you never listen and are always talking to Jake.”

He savored every word, every look on their faces, knowing it would probably be the last time he saw them being happy and normal.

He left it as long as he could, but after Dinner he couldn’t let it go any longer.

“Alfie, Anna, can I talk to you both please.” Cas coughed into a tissue a few times as the twins sat down with him on the sofa. He saw the spatter of red in the white hanky in his hand and quickly rolled it up so they didn’t see. It was worse than before. He wondered how long he had.

“Guys, you know I have been sick and what that has meant is that I haven’t been able to work or make any money for us and I am very, very sorry for that. I should have done better for you both, you should be able to have three meals every day, not spaghetti out of a can a few times a week.”

“Cassie, we don’t mind. We know you do your best and you can’t help being sick.”

“Thank you, Anna. But it’s not ok. It’s not ok you have had to live like this all your lives. And something happened today that has left me no other choice.”

“What?” Alfie asked anxiously. “You’re not dying are you?”

“You’re not going to leave us like Dad did to go to heaven.”

Cas nearly sobbed, but held himself.

“Because we don’t have any money, the landlord is going to evict us. And I don’t have any money to get us somewhere else to live.”

Alife’s face dropped again. “Then where are we going to live?”

“I can’t… I love you both more than anything. You know that, right?”

Both Alfie and Anna nodded with conviction, but the worry didn’t leave their faces.

“I love you with everything I am and I would do anything to stay with you forever, to get us a nice house and toys and everything you could ever possibly need...”

“Castiel we don’t want lots of toys, we are happy with you. We know you do your best. You’re the best big brother ever.”  Cas shed a tear in happiness. Anna was so lovely, so pure and blessed. She and Alfie deserved much more than this.

“I know that Hunny, I really do and you are both wonderful to think that. Truly, you are both so special and so good, but we have nowhere to live when they evict us and I’m so sick that I just can’t look after you anymore. I can’t let you live on the streets.”

“What are you saying?” Alfie sniffled.

“You are going to leave us?” Anna looked terrified.

“There are people who look after children who don’t have parents. That’s where you should have gone after Daddy died, but I thought I could look after you...”

“You can look after us. You have looked after us. You can’t leave us Castiel you can’t!” Alfie sobbed.

“I’m sorry.” Cas couldn’t hold it back any more. He sobbed and held them both close. “I’m so, so sorry, but I can’t look after you anymore. I tried everything, I really did. You deserve to have a home and food everyday and someone who can love you and give you everything you need. All I can give you know is love and that’s not enough...”

“You said love was always enough.” Anna shouted in anger and sorrow, tears streaming down her face.

“It’s not enough if I can’t feed you sweetheart, if I can’t keep you safe.” Cas sobbed, trying to reason with them.

“You don’t want us do you? Like Mom didn’t want us.”

“No.” Cas cried in horror. “No I will always want you Alfie, always. Who told you that? Mom wanted you, Mom always wanted you.” He left the ‘it’s me she didn’t want’ left unsaid.

“A boy at school said that if your parents divorced and you didn’t live with Mommy then she didn’t want you.”

“That’s not true Alfie. Things between Mom and Dad were very complicated, but none of it was to do with you or in any way your fault.”

“If you want us so much then why are you leaving us!” Anna yelled.

“Hunny...”

“No, I don’t care. I hate you Castiel. I wish you weren’t our brother. I hope I never see you again.” Anna grabbed Alfie and led them to their room slamming the door behind them.

Cas’ heart broke into a thousand pieces. He had deserved that. He’d deserved it all for failing them, for hurting them and for giving up now. But he knew it was the only way. He was under no illusions that life in care would be plain sailing for them, he’d probably already damaged them beyond repair, but it was better than a life on the street. It was better than having a sick brother who would most likely die one day, maybe soon, maybe not. Either way they would be homeless and alone eventually. At least this way they would only be alone, and maybe not forever. There were always the good stories, of children that found great foster homes and lived happily. He held on to those in his head and he cried and coughed himself to sleep.

......

Cas dragged the children into the police station in the early hours of the morning, a time when he knew they’d be short staffed. He’d packed them a bag each of all their favorite things, like the tiara that had come with the princess outfit he’d given Anna for their 6th birthdays, and the rock that Alfie had found on a school field trip and kept as his pet. Roger Rock. Cas had smiled at the time, but he had not joy left inside him no as he shivered in the cool night air.

Anna had glared at him all the way there, she’d kicked and screamed and punched at him until she ran out of fight and now she just stomped alongside them as they walked through the doors into the airconditioned reception. Alfie just cried quietly. Nothing was said.

“Yes.” The desk sergeant sounded tired and grumpy.

“I have the two Novak children, Anael and Samandriel who were reported missing a few years ago.”

“How do you know this sir?” He asked suddenly awake.

“Because I’m their brother.”

“Stay there!” The man ordered as he ran to fetch someone.

“Goodbye little ones.” Cas kissed them both on the forehead quickly. “You stay here until the man comes. He will look after you, ok?”

Cas turned and ran out of the station. He heard someone calling after him, but he didn’t look back. He just ran on into the night in search of somewhere safe to spend the night.

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE: I felt brave after the little bit of support I received for this series of fics so I have now taken off the comment moderation. I think I can handle any nastiness that comes my way and I hope this will mean more people will comment as posting this series again, especially the first fic took a lot of courage. Even a line makes a writers day.


End file.
